Friday, November 20, 2009

Trusting

I have always trusted people. I have trusted my mother, my boyfriend, and my priest. My mother spent years trying to convince me that gay is bad. My boyfriend lied and cheated. My priest molested me.

My mother used subtle suggestions to convey her belief that it was wrong to be homosexual. She knew even before I did that I was gay and she thought she could turn me around by encouraging me to find a girlfriend, get married, have children. I tried my best to please her. I had a girlfriend throughout high school. Even my girlfriend knew I was gay before I did.


My boyfriend told me that he loved me and that we would be together forever. Perhaps, at some point during the relationship, he believed it. But when he was fucking me, knowing that he had been seeing his ex while we were apart, and knowing that he intended to end the relationship, he was being dishonest. It hurt me more that he came back for one more lousy fuck before dumping me than actually getting dumped.


My priest found ways to get close to me. He stroked my hair. He phoned me up for no reason at all. He hugged me a little too often. He brushed against me whenever he walked past me. He also engaged me in conversations about sex, presumably to "guide me." He asked me if I was gay and, if I was, he would "help me." He asked me to trust him and he would "teach me." I was one of the lucky ones. By the time he finally tried to take me in his arms and kiss me and fondle me, I was old enough to resist.


I have learned lessons. I have learned that I must be true to myself. I have learned that adults and other people who control and influence my life are not always correct. I have learned to trust my instincts.


But I will go on trusting. That is my fate. I will try to find a special guy to spend forever with. I will try to make that special guy happy. I will probably be hurt, but I will try my hardest not let my past interfere with my future. I will strive to be open to love.

All I ask is that he understands. Maybe that is asking too much. But that is what I need.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you sweetness. You have an amazing heart. Thank you for sharing it with the rest of the world.

CibrienBrody said...

I have no doubt in my mind that you will find a guy that you can completely trust who trusts you, loves you and understands you. The right guy is out there and I know he is dying to meet you. Keep searching, Ciaran.

Anonymous said...

You have kissed enough frogs. The next one is bound to be a prince. I am happy to see that you are not giving up.

Anonymous said...

Some guy is going to be a very lucky man. I am sure it will not be easy loving you. You are complicated and passionate. I am sure it will be worth it, though. Good luck Ciaran. Keep writing.

Matt said...

Ciaran, you know how I feel. I won't embarrass you by posting it here. I will say this is beautiful, like you.

c9 said...

Ciaran, thanks for this great post. I can only echo what Matt said.

I agree, you need to trust to find love, and sadly there's no way to know whether you've found the right people until much later. Continue to learn, and continue to be open to the future... and continue to write!

Cam

Anonymous said...

Not sure what to say...been molested..didn't know that I could resist at that age. Am married, still trying to please the parents...but feel so cheated at a life I know is waiting..but quickly slipping away. Seem to have hurt others unknowingly and suffering loneliness that is next to unbearable...but I think we can make it. At least I know you will..you are an over-comer and a conquorer! Keep it up Sunshine!

David said...

I just want to tell you that your writing is beautiful and you will find the right guy :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this. You are such a wonderful guy. I'm glad I have discovered you. x

Werner said...

Strive to keep an open mind and not become cynical. There is truth to the saying that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Keep the faith.....