Thursday, September 17, 2009


I could so easily fall in love with you. I have already fallen in love with you. Deep and hard. I can’t sleep at night because I want you. I can’t sleep at night because I can never have you. Love is lovely. Unrequited love is devastatingly lovely.

Unrequited love is self-fulfilling – unnecessary to consummate because the impossibility of such a love has rendered the act superfluous to the pain and yearning, which is the very heart of such a love.

Love for the sake of love – agape. Thomas Jay Oord has defined agape as "an intentional response to promote well-being when responding to that which has generated ill-being.” Ill-being, being hurt by the one that you love. One that has ignored the love you have offered repeatedly, one who would use you and let you go.

One who is not worthy of the love you have to give, but one whom you can not stop loving. One who is inappropriate, who will never be the right one, but who might forever be the only one.

I can not protect my heart from such a love. I can only try to avoid the consequences.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It was wonderful, then it wasn't (8/31/09)

It was wonderful. I fell asleep alone, wishing he was with me. During the night, I was awakened by a warm body cuddled behind me and a familiar arm draped across my body. At first, I thought nothing of it and I grabbed his arm and hugged it closer to me. We had spent so much time together that it was more natural for him to be there than not. Slowly, it dawned on me that I should be alone. I shrieked with joy and wriggled around to face him.

He had flown all the way up here to be with me for just one day. How wonderful was that! I kissed every inch of his face and then let him know how much I appreciated his visit in the best way I knew how. I fell asleep in his arms, happy that he loved me enough to make the trip.

The next morning, we had breakfast on the deck. Marc gave mum a pasta maker and that was the last I saw of him all morning. I didn’t mind though. I was happy to see them having fun together.

In the afternoon, we went for a walk. Marc was quiet and I could tell there were things on his mind. He said it could wait until I was back in the city and he didn’t want to spoil the rest of my holiday. How could I let that go? I pressed until he finally opened up to me.

Marc is unsure of our relationship. He thinks it is unfair to me to be so serious at such a young age. He thinks I will resent being tied down to him. I tried to explain that, with his hours at the restaurant, I have plenty of time to be with friends and have my own full life. I have school and swimming, and I have my writing and my music.

I have no desire to be with anyone else. I don’t understand the need to be with multiple partners, especially since he fulfills me more than I had ever hoped for. It’s a dick and a hole. End-of-story. How is an infinite variety of cocks going to make me happier than I already am? I have no desire for meaningless sex with strangers. I want to be with someone I love and trust. I could never do the things we do together with someone to whom I was not emotionally connected.

And that’s the problem. Marc thinks I am too emotional. I am too deeply committed to a relationship he is sure will not last. He feels he is being sucked in and will only be hurt in the end.

He is afraid. This I know whether he admits it or not. He does not want the easy conversation with my mother. He does not want to fit in to my family. He does not want to find himself loving me and losing me.

What can I do? I have tried to convince him of my love and commitment, but he is so sure that this won’t work that he is going to sabotage it. I can see the axe falling and I have no choice but to wait and be massacred.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Good bye summer, Hello Fall

Good bye beach, good bye surfing, good bye dancing on the deck. Hello NYC, hello school, hello new friends and old.

Thursday, September 3, 2009


Is it possible to find a true relationship on the internet? Can you really connect with someone on a meaningful level via twitter?

Two days ago, I would have said no. Today, as I sit here missing my friend, I feel I must reconsider.

Perhaps it is the safety one finds in anonymity. Perhaps it is the security of knowing that distance is insurmountable. I only know that while he is out of contact, I feel like I have lost someone dear.

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the knowledge that he would be gone that allowed him to take liberties. Maybe he was just playing with me.

Me? I wanted to kiss him and hold him and gently rub his aching tummy.

I know I shouldn’t be such a weepy old thing. I’m sure he had more important things on his mind than his twitter buddy.

Good byes are so hard, so unsettling. I wanted so much more but what can you attain with words only? Cold, impersonal? No, not really. Satisfying? No, not really.

A Haiku for RP

I miss you today

More than I did yesterday

More than I can bear

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Canvas of Your Soul

I will start by reading the words of your poem with my lips. I will trace each letter with my tongue knowing your meaning from their flavour.

Then I will find the hourglass of your soul and sift the sand through my mouth. I will pluck the flowers gently with my teeth, and I will comprehend your tender years.

I will find your sin, hard and black, and taste the depth of your pain.

I will discover the phoenix and savour its beauty. I will trace each quill with my tongue, and delight in its sensual curves. I will take just a moment to nibble on what the tail feathers encompass.

My lips will journey down to where the ghosts reside, playful in their hidden lair. I will tickle each with my tongue, first the pink and then the blue, edging ever closer.

And when I have finished exploring the canvas of your skin, I will be yours and I will find what I love the most.