Thursday, September 3, 2009


Is it possible to find a true relationship on the internet? Can you really connect with someone on a meaningful level via twitter?

Two days ago, I would have said no. Today, as I sit here missing my friend, I feel I must reconsider.

Perhaps it is the safety one finds in anonymity. Perhaps it is the security of knowing that distance is insurmountable. I only know that while he is out of contact, I feel like I have lost someone dear.

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the knowledge that he would be gone that allowed him to take liberties. Maybe he was just playing with me.

Me? I wanted to kiss him and hold him and gently rub his aching tummy.

I know I shouldn’t be such a weepy old thing. I’m sure he had more important things on his mind than his twitter buddy.

Good byes are so hard, so unsettling. I wanted so much more but what can you attain with words only? Cold, impersonal? No, not really. Satisfying? No, not really.


Anonymous said...

Nice to see you are making connections. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

i don't know you, so i'm not really sure you exist...this is almost too good not to be itself a work of fiction. but even if if it is, i don't care. can a young man really feel this way about an older one? if the one i love had a blog like this, i'd sure love to stumble across it. and if it's real, wow.

Ciaran said...

God, I hope he doesn't stumble across it! I have a second blog that he knows about, which only gets the general posts or the posts about him. I don't think he has any reason to know about this blog. There are problems, mostly related to his issues about my age.

Anonymous said...

i don't know what his issues are, but i know what mine are in a similar situation.
1) i think he's the most wonderful thing ever, and i feel like he deserves to be with someone more like himself
2) i feel like nurturing and protecting him, but if am too much like a parent, he'll outgrow me, like children outgrow their parents.
3) if he spends time with me and does things i like to do, he'll miss out on being young, and he'll resent me for it later.
4) although other people may see me as somehow taking advantage of someone younger and more vulnerable, i feel completely like the vulnerable one in the relationship. i am afraid that once he lives in the world and sees all the smarter, funnier, richer, more attractive people who want to be with him, he'll realize how ordinary i am.

5) he thinks i think he's immature. i don't. i couldn't love him if he weren't more mature than most guys his age.

so i'll tell you what i need, and maybe it'll work for you. i need, and probably will for a while, tons of reassurance that i'm the one he wants. and i'm ok with him having fun with friends his own age, but i need to know that he's going to save the last dance for me. (watch that queer as folk video on youtube if youve never seen it!)

and it's hard to believe you're really 18 because you are sensitive and articulate, and you can spell :)