Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It was wonderful, then it wasn't (8/31/09)

It was wonderful. I fell asleep alone, wishing he was with me. During the night, I was awakened by a warm body cuddled behind me and a familiar arm draped across my body. At first, I thought nothing of it and I grabbed his arm and hugged it closer to me. We had spent so much time together that it was more natural for him to be there than not. Slowly, it dawned on me that I should be alone. I shrieked with joy and wriggled around to face him.

He had flown all the way up here to be with me for just one day. How wonderful was that! I kissed every inch of his face and then let him know how much I appreciated his visit in the best way I knew how. I fell asleep in his arms, happy that he loved me enough to make the trip.

The next morning, we had breakfast on the deck. Marc gave mum a pasta maker and that was the last I saw of him all morning. I didn’t mind though. I was happy to see them having fun together.

In the afternoon, we went for a walk. Marc was quiet and I could tell there were things on his mind. He said it could wait until I was back in the city and he didn’t want to spoil the rest of my holiday. How could I let that go? I pressed until he finally opened up to me.

Marc is unsure of our relationship. He thinks it is unfair to me to be so serious at such a young age. He thinks I will resent being tied down to him. I tried to explain that, with his hours at the restaurant, I have plenty of time to be with friends and have my own full life. I have school and swimming, and I have my writing and my music.

I have no desire to be with anyone else. I don’t understand the need to be with multiple partners, especially since he fulfills me more than I had ever hoped for. It’s a dick and a hole. End-of-story. How is an infinite variety of cocks going to make me happier than I already am? I have no desire for meaningless sex with strangers. I want to be with someone I love and trust. I could never do the things we do together with someone to whom I was not emotionally connected.

And that’s the problem. Marc thinks I am too emotional. I am too deeply committed to a relationship he is sure will not last. He feels he is being sucked in and will only be hurt in the end.

He is afraid. This I know whether he admits it or not. He does not want the easy conversation with my mother. He does not want to fit in to my family. He does not want to find himself loving me and losing me.

What can I do? I have tried to convince him of my love and commitment, but he is so sure that this won’t work that he is going to sabotage it. I can see the axe falling and I have no choice but to wait and be massacred.


Anonymous said...

Hang in there kiddo. Don't give up on him now. He is a fool if he lets you go. So much sensitivity and maturity is hard to fine in a guy of any age.

Anonymous said...

You deserve better. Punch and Delete LOL

Anonymous said...

this is where you prove him right or prove him wrong, i guess. if he's right, you'll act out, start seeing other guys, and making sure he knows it, so he'll see what a good thing he threw away, etc. he's hurt you, so you'll hurt him back, and say and do things that help you 'get over' him.

if he's wrong, and you love him, and you're really committed to him, you'll go on for some reasonable period of time (a decade is probably too long) acting like you still love him. you'll be polite, stay in touch, share what you're doing, but not drive him nuts, focus on all those other things, and let him see that without him you aren't doing all those things he thinks you're missing. and that what you're really missing is.... him.

either he'll come around or he won't, and if you find yourself alone on new year's eve, maybe you should start looking for someone who isn't going to shoot himself in the foot... (do you know any of his friends? sounds like he needs to talk to a therapist, maybe he can get a handle on this stuff if someone can steer him toward that). but really, if you think he's worth committing to for a lifetime, why not give it a few months?

Ciaran said...

Please email me. I would love to ask you some questions. You can get an anonymous email address if you don't already have one.

The shit has already hit the fan. It is just too raw to write about yet.