Without Marco

I find myself searching for sad songs. Songs that speak of longing and despair which, of course, is utter nonsense. We will only be separated for a week or so, we’ve been apart that long before. This time, though, it is different. This summer has evoked a passion between us that did not previously exist. It has also brought a time of family and friends, and a sense of closeness that I thought I could never experience.

When I went to California to visit my Auntie for two weeks in June, we had been together for five months. I was sure I was falling in love but it was so new to me. Still, I missed him terribly. In July, when we had been together for six months, our relationship progressed to a level of intimacy that most do not experience in their lifetime. I knew then that I was in love and I felt a freedom and a joy that was exhilarating and earth-shaking.

I also felt a disdain from my mother that I knew was there but was heretofore, hidden. She did not want to believe that I was gay, even though she knew it in her heart long before I did. Over the last couple of months, she has spent time with Marco and has learned to appreciate his kindness and generosity. She sees how much he loves me and realises that, with his guiding hand I am becoming the man I was meant to be.

Living together this summer has taught me to be less selfish and to be more forgiving. I have learned to love and be loved. I have learned to accept help and to be proud of my accomplishments.

Marc had to return to his job, but I was in too much pain to go with him. He left this morning and I feel so alone. Of course, it has been a rather gloomy day, sent to me to match my mood. He left three notes for me, one which I will open tonight, the other two when I am again feeling blue. He also left a little package but told me I am not to open it until Monday.

I also tucked a note into his suitcase reminding him of how much I love him and how much he means to me. He found it when he unpacked, but he said he hasn’t opened it yet. He is saving it until Monday, when he won’t have to go to work and will have time to dwell on how much he misses me. I am jealous that my friends have already eaten at the restaurant. They said he was quiet and just a bit sad. The restaurant was busy they said, and Marc had mentioned that he was glad that he didn’t have time to be too gloomy.

I will be flying back next week. I don’t think I could take a long drive just yet. School starts just after Labor Day and I need to get ready. School also means that I will be spending some nights in the dorm. Well, it means that I should be spending nights in the dorm. I don’t think I will, though, unless the pressures of exams and papers preclude being with him.

This will be an interesting week. I will spend time contemplating the great love of my life and my luck in finding him before I could screw up. I can’t surf or swim because of the broken ribs, but I can sit and type. I guess the blog will progress as well as the novel. Unfortunately, I will only be writing the depressing scenes.

Broken Ribs

Poor Marco, he spent the entire day fretting on the beach while Caitlin and I surfed. He was so scared that something might happen to one of us. He saw the board hit me and knock me into the water.

He tried to get to me but I was too far out. Marc can’t swim and it was almost a double catastrophe because he got hit by a wave. Thankfully, he was pushed toward the shore and was able to regain his footing before the next big wave hit. I was tumbled around before I could get my bearings. I think that was when I cut my nose. At first, I felt fine and I kept on surfing. As the tide receded, the waves were not as well formed, and it became difficult to get a good ride so Cait and I headed in.

I hurt like hell and my ribs were turning lovely colours – red, purple, blue, and yellow – I became the rainbow flag. Talk about showing off my sexual identity! We went out to dinner and, by the time we were through, I was having trouble breathing. A quick call to da and mum had me in the car on the way to the hospital.

My da was already gone when I got back from surfing. I wish he had been there. He could have been with me in the hospital and probably gotten me through faster. They gave me an MRI and said I had broken ribs but no internal damage. The cut on my nose was superficial and did not need stitches.

So, here I sit, the waves are not as dramatic as they were yesterday, but still very surfable. But not by me. Cait took the day off and we sat on the deck and talked. I was supposed to drive back to the city but there is no way I could take a long car ride, even if Marc drove. And there is no way my poor tranny could take it if Marc drove…

Marc called his grandfather and it looks like we are both staying on for a few more days. YAY. If I’m not better in a few days, Marc will fly back without me. If I can’t drive by Labor Day, I will fly back to the city in time for school.

Would I have given up the surfing knowing that the little kid was going to aim his board at me and smack right into my ribs? No. It was one of the best days of surfing this summer.

I have a secret love.

I guess it’s just a crush, really. A schoolboy infatuation. But I think about him a lot, and I (know) hope he thinks about me. I don’t know how to contact him, but I think he reads my blog, so every day I look to see if he’s left me a message.

Did he email me today? Perhaps he sent me a tweet. Nothing.

I know it won’t amount to anything, but a boy can dream.

‘Out’ at the barbeque

This evening we went to a barbeque at our neighbours’ house. The daughter has always had a crush on me but, up until last summer, I had a girlfriend. She’s a couple of years younger than me but I always knew that if I was straight, she would be my type. She reminds me of Hayley Mills in the original Parent Trap – kind of boyish and cute.

I had fallen asleep so Mum, Cait, Aidan, and Michael went on without us. We showed up 15 minutes later and everything seemed ok, except there was whispering here and there. People were just beginning to realize that Aidan and Michael were a couple. Then in we walk – holding hands! The daughter’s jaw dropped open, the mother’s eyes popped out of her head, and the general conversation came to a screeching halt.

The mother tried to choke back her surprise. After a few stuttering attempts at speech, she was able to welcome us. Mum just sat there with a tight-lipped smile pasted onto her face.

Mum and Marco thought I was asleep.

“Does anyone want some lunch? I can make something and let you know when it’s ready.” Mum said to us. Michael and Aidan were both hungry, and Cait was still in the water. I had been asleep on the blanket but was beginning to regain consciousness.

“Kiki? Are you hungry? Marco said. I ignored him, not having found my voice yet after my long snooze. “He’s still asleep. He didn’t sleep well last night. He was up and on the computer at 4:30.” Marc said to mum.

“You call him Kiki? He lets you get away with it?” Mum said.

“Yeah, but he said he’d punch anyone else who called him that. I usually don’t call him that in public. Don’t let him know.”

“I think it’s cute. Do you mind if I sit down and talk with you for a minute?”

“Sit. What’s up?”

“Marco, when I first met you a couple of weeks ago, I was pretty cold to you. I want you to know that it wasn’t you that I was upset with. It has been hard for me to accept that Ciar is gay, although I think I knew it before he did.”

“That’s ok; it must be hard to accept that your only son is not going to have the life you want for him.”

“No, it’s not ok. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I want you to know that I’m glad that Ciar met you. I’ve seen the way you look at him and I can tell you really care.”

“I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone. It scares me because he’s so young, but I’m willing to take a chance.”

“Please look out for him, he’s always been too naïve and trusting. He’s lucky to have found you.”

“No, I’m the lucky one.”

The beach and then home

We went to the beach just south of where we usually go. It is not officially a ‘gay beach’ but everyone who is gay just happens to go there.

Marco is so horny today; he had his hands all over me when we were lying on the sand. I felt uncomfortable because Aidan was there (he is my uncle, after all) but also very turned on. I was glad that I was wearing board shorts; a Speedo wouldn’t have contained me. Even with baggy shorts, I found that I had to go into the water to hide my embarrassment. Of course, Marco followed me in and took even more liberties in the water. I think he has a good excuse to learn to swim now. We can get away with a lot more if we are farther from the shore.

We left the beach around 2:00 and luckily no one was home when we got there. We headed straight to my bedroom with just a quick stop in the kitchen for cool drinks. I hadn’t made my bed yet so we were in it as soon as we could rip our swim suits off. It was very liberating to not have to worry about being loud. We’ve been here since Sunday and we are always conscious that mum and Cait are right down the hall.

My tongue caressed every inch of Marco’s sizzling hot body. We hadn’t even take time to shower and he tasted like sand and sun and salt – every thing that I love about the beach. I enjoy making Marc groan. It is the one time when I have absolute power over him. He was moaning so loud as my mouth engulfed his cock that I was afraid they could hear us on the beach.

When He had finally had enough, he grabbed me and flopped me on my belly. He is so strong that I had no choice but to relinquish control to him. The energy that Marco had stored up while playing on the beach was quickly released with the pounding that he gave me. He made up for his selfishness by sweetly sucking me. He took a long drink of ice water before he began and his cool mouth quickly assuaged the heat of my passion.

It is rather tantalising to be sitting on the deck and writing this knowing that mum is right inside the door with Marc. They are getting dinner together and I can hear them talking as I type. Everyone else is out here on the deck with me. If only they knew. Again, I am thankful for baggy shorts and a strategically placed laptop.